April 9, 2004. Five years ago. If you would have told me I would be where I am now, I am not sure I could have seen much further past the next week to be able to believe you. Five years ago, I was devastated. Broken, lost, confused, lonely. And without my best friend. Today marks the fifth anniversary of Kisha Gentry’s death.
It’s interesting how we can think we’re doing better and handling it all well, and wake up crying on days like today. It’s interesting how I can be accutely aware of God’s presence in my life, but still be consumed by my emotion. It’s interesting that a life of a mere 21 years can leave such an impact on so many.
Over the past few months, the Lord has been revealing so many contrasts – these seemingly paradoxical relations, that only through Him, make perfect sense. I’m reminded of the peoples’ prayer in Nehemiah. It was a prayer of confession – the people were desperately aware of their wandering ways and their need for God. However, in confessing all of their brokenness, they were made even more aware of God’s majesty. Most of the poem speaks countless Truths about God’s character rather than focusing on their own shortcomings. I also think of my love for God. Although it has grown more consistent over the past few years, it still remains relatively unstable when compared to His love for us. He CHOSE us. His love is a CHOICE, not an emotion. An action, not a feeling. Something unchanging. Despite my changing emotions, my wavering choices, my indecisive nature, He has made His choice loud and clear.
So, today, rather than being totally consumed by my selfish desire to have my best friend back, I will rejoice. I will celebrate her life and mourn her death, but I will remain joyful because the joy of the Lord is my strength. And, He is unchanging. So, even though my circumstances change, my job changes, my decisions change, and I change – He NEVER changes. I’m so grateful for such a constant and secure source of joy, peace, strength, and love. May you be comforted today as well by His presence.
If you don’t know God’s story in Kisha’s life, check out: