All my troubles did not seem so far away. Quite the contrary, my dear readers. Yesterday, all my troubles seemed to be compounded, magnified, and insurmountable. Of course, I’m over that for this moment…but really, yesterday was pretty daunting.
For those of you who do know me, you know how vital lists are to my existence. However, I literally have not written a true list in weeks. WEEKS. Do you hear me? The life of a working woman is highly over-rated; as is becoming fully aware of my ‘adultness’. I know that’s not a word….however, with this overwhelming sensation, my vocabulary seems to have gone outside the window as well. Thankfully, I can still describe things well enough that people can usually help me out…but the retrieval of vocabulary, not so much. A few things that have reminded me of my aforementioned ‘adultness’ – comments from friends from middle school and high school who have both, on separate occassions, told me how I am looking older these days. Yep. True story – but also just as true is the fact that I am. I have crows’ feet around my eyes (I laugh too much, so I’m okay with that) and I can see the early onset development of wrinkles. And I’m not even 30. I also found my first frontal gray hair in the mirror at work today. I’ve had some grays in the back of my head…but not in front. Until today.
I don’t know why yesterday brought such an overwhelming sense of being overwhelmed, but it did. And I couldn’t even fully explain it. And I wasn’t in a place that I even wanted to have people help me brainstorm any solutions. I was pretty happy settling into my state of overwhelmedness (which includes making up lots of words).
As I left Target (where I had been attempting to find calculators and 3-hole punchers for the Learning Center), I was on my way home. That’s when it happened. I ran out of gas. This was the first time I’d run out of gas in RegEnDev. And seeing as he’s been mine for a year and a half, I don’t consider it all that bad of a track record. Really, it was about time. The danger with living three miles from work is that when my gas light goes on, I feel I can make it another week without filling up. Which I probably could. However, this week happened to be customer appreciation week at Chick-fil-a which warranted free food and therefore, extra trips. Unaccounted for in my initial calculation of when I needed to fill up. So there I was. Thankfully, I was in a place where I was able to get over three lanes of traffic and pull into a vacant parking lot. I was also less than a half mile from a gas station. So I took it as a God-given opportunity to slow down and catch up on some phone calls – I talked to my dad, my cousin, left some messages, and talked to my friend Lauren’s friend, Elizabeth whose interview for Teach for America is on Friday and she wanted some ‘advice’.
I was able to make it home safely and my dear friend Mistie came down afterwards for dinner, some much needed conversation, and hang out time. I was quickly reminded of how sovereign the Lord is. Thanks to a book she has been committed to reading and God speaking through it, He reminded me of how in control He is. How it’s easy for me to believe this intelectually (can I even spell that right anymore? I don’t think so, but I’m leaving it as such)…but when anything happens that seem to thwart MY plans (which, by the way, I seem to think are pretty great most of the time), I tend to question it and quickly wonder what I can do to make things better. But, that’s not my place. I’m glad that’s not my place. Because I’m overwhelmed. And there’s no need to be. He is in charge. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. He promises that. Now I just need to walk in that. So much easier said then done when I’m constantly tempted to take it all on myself. Who do i think I am?! So, I’m glad for yesterday…and grateful for today. Glad He is the same regardless of how I feel. That He is unchanging. Despite my ever-changing circumstances.